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Jan 17, 2006
i'm about to end one of d scariest and worst days of my life... emotionally
Not that anything really bad happen, only that I had to face d worst fear i have, that I can never dare to admit or go face to face with... MY EGO....
Lemme explain what happened... Today we had a training session to handle angry patients. We were thought how to tackle themand explain to them. Howev, on top of that, unlike waiters and waitresses or managers or whoever else in d service industry, we have to uphold d dignity of the hypocratic oath and our white coat.. Thats d easy part... d tough part is that we have to not be defensive... Now thats where I come in
U see... we deal with simulated patients.. Actors who are given scripts and are asked to acte it out.. trust me. they are paid damn well... I was viewed as the most qualified in my group to try 1st... N yes I screwed up.. Why, because I didn't know what to expect... The moment the patient came in he started shouting at me and refuse an explanation. I tried to tell him that every hospital is d same due to overcrowding but he said I was defensive.. I appologize but he said sorry no cure... n for me to appologize is already tough.. n he said I was defensive... Now's where my fear comes in.. I almost lost my temper with the him but upheld it... He just continued his abuse and basically d interview was stopped and d lecturer said I suck because i never defended d patient n i was too defensive... Well thats how I am... I have an ego.. n u can't expect me to change that defensiveness after a 2 hour lecture can u???
ok... anyway... Every other person in d whole room got screwed as well some were so dumbfounded that they just kenot talk because d patient shouted bad words at them and were very abusive threatening to sue and all... Then finally, I tried again... This was bad.. because of the fact that they have a scenario we dun.. we have no excuse for being late... but were asked to think of a non existent scenario.... now rememeber that every scenario we cook up the patient will counter another story to counter that.. and again.. my defensivenes skicked in.. this time I tried to control.. and since I had told my problem to my lecturer he understood but asked me to change... The patient commented that I never want to loose or admit i'm at fault... but tats the way i've always been.. can't change that fast... ppl that know me will know that i am never at fault.. others are.... n i'll fight my way through... thats 1... number two.. I will fight for my subbordinates or superiors until my last drop of blood if I respect them and believe they r doing teir job.. But now I'm being asked to say that they are at fault and I will settle it with them... without even knwoing a scenario... don't I have the right to defend my own ppl???? Most importantly.. I as a person never ever bothered tackling angry people.. I pour ice ove fire.. Not water... Tat means tat i wave it aside everytime I need to tackle with it... N due to my very bad temper... I almost got angry just now 5 secs into the conversation/... luckily I noted and calmed down...
So basically..my ego and training or many many years through many camps and courses and training stints has been thrown away... ego blasted to pieces... and am expected to change overnight.... My lecturer did note that I have a very very very strong personality... to the extend that it can be noted as a personality problem... but I do believe that in a real patient case, this problem can easily be tackled and not through all this nonsensical methods... But well... I need to pass my exams...
FInally.. I know Imust change.. but I need time... itsreally very very tough on me to just change in 2 hours... I have an innate immune response that goes into defensive mode everytime I am being attacked... n its just natural for me to fight back... trying to change that... bit by bit... home my karma is enough for me to change in an effective way....
Terrible day.. GOODNIGHT
Posted at 02:49 am by darknight
Permalink
Dec 29, 2005
hmm.. well..its about time I ever updated anything... The year is
coming to an end, and I guess I should put something into this blank
old page that never gets updated...
Well.. Many things have came and went in 2005. I guess it was by far
the most meaningful year. But most importantly are the lesson we
learnt. I guess I have grown up a little but more. I have seen friends
come and go... Lost friends and enemies along the way.. Made friends
and enemies along the way. Became popular for a moment, but then
unpopular the next.. But well, I guess this is all part of the ever
changing life..
SOmetimes, when I think back about
this year, I think to myself what would happen if I have not done
certain things, or what if I had done certain things. But at the end of
the day, the truth is that nothing can be changed. We choose whether or
not we want to be happy, and well, if you regret a certain decision,
then I guess u should never make that decision again...
More important than anything else, are the friends we make along the
way. These are the people that guided me through the dark and light.
These are the people that helped me through trying times. SOmetimes, we
might not know it, but a simple 30sec call to a person can actually
make a whoel world of difference. I might not be a very good friend to
many people though I try to be. BUt I certainly have very good friends.
These are people that would come with their rainbows at anytime, just
to brighten up the day. I basically can't thank them enough for helping
me through trials and tribulations that I had gone through this year. I
would never have survived my 1st semester in uni without them.. Never
survived long hours of studying if not for the once in a while sms from
my friends or the long night hours spent with my books except for the
on and odd msg on MSN...
We gain friendship
through many many ways... SOmetimes through laughter, sometimes through
pain. But there are friendships that were regained after so many years.
These are the friendship that you realise would are those that last.
This year, I found back a friend that became my foe for 4 years, before
we reconciled this year. Reason of tragedy for 4 years was unknown. But
somehow everything seemed to close as if nothing really happened. and
this all happened in TDC 2005... I guess alot of things happened by
chance..
To all my kalyana Mitras, I thank you for being there for me. This year
was made especially wonderful with all my new found kalyana mitras..
And to all my fellow SJBA YS EXCOs, its been fantastic working with all
of you, and it has been a brand new experience... Learned alot and alot
from u all... things that no books can ever learn.. hope to work
together again on more wonderful projects next year .... FM, WT, JH,
OY, DAN, YENNY, RF, VINCE, JEFF... Nice working with you all... hope we
will have a fantastic year ahead... And to all thsoe that worked with
me on the PD trip... It was the best organizing comm that I ever
headed... It was a very small project.. but everyone gave their all...
ALthough not everyone went, but well,it was nice working with all of
you.. YK,DAN, SK, YH, SAB, JUNE, EW... I considered that trip a
success, thank to all of you...
Finally, haha... my
hamsap gang in uni.... Kenneth, Thomas and Justin.... the laughters we
shared this year... haha... lets hope it continues next year.. As well
as the long hours we used in library to study.... that has tremendously
improved my grades from B- to A-... Thanks guys....
Finally.. Some friends that well though that u were left out... trust
me, u were never left out of my mind... some fro USJ 4 or Taylor's,
sometimes, time doesn't permit us to keep in contact, but u have never
left my mind... KANG, KEN, VENUS, JHIN and the whole G11 gang... haha..
just can't find time to catch up wif u guys... LUQ, SW, DIN, LW, JAS,
PRAK, PRIYA... sorry la... I'm just jnot as happening and outgoing as I
used to be... alot of work to do.... but well.. we will catch up I'm
sure
So well.. basically, this year has been
inventful, from the change from school to coll to uni... Did a few
things that I never really wished I ded, and din do a few things I
wished I have done... But well, at the end of the eyar.. I guess I
remain status quo... FInally... I'll have to admit.. I'm still
single.... well... I dunno why but I somehow or rather realise that I trully suck with gurls... Only realise that at the end of the year..
So.. 1 year has passed eventfully.. To all my friends.. thanks for
being with me... To all my old friends.. you know who u are. To my
kalyana mitras. hmm... well... thank all of you for being ard....
WISHING EVERYONE A VERY HAPPY NEW YEAR.. MAY THE NEW YEAR BRING
EVERYONE JOY,LOVE,HAPPINESS,PEACE AND BLESSINGS... MAY EVERYONE BE WELL
AND HAPPY ALWAYS
There's a rose,
Red and bright,
sitting all alone,
On a tree of thorns
Never knowing when it may fall
Never knowing when it may die
Its beauty prevails not,
Its serenity holds not
Viewed with neutrality,
It remains still
A shower of water comes,
A careful hand trims,
up lits the rose,
to view the world again
The hands that caress,
Oh with love so true,
changes the life,
of this pretty rose
Only when care we give,
SHall this rose grow up to be,
The symbol of love,
A symbol of peace
For the shower of love we need,
For the hand of care we need,
For the heart of friends we need,
To show us what we need..
Posted at 03:37 am by darknight
Permalink
The festive season... Everywhere we look, there are people laughing,
making merry and most importantly hugging.... But sometimes, do we ever
stop to think and realise that there are some people around us who
actually do feel lonely... No matter how many people tehre are around
them... They still feel lonely... Its not the people factor... But do
we give warmth to them????
There are many of us out there that need a friend.. Not just somebody,
but a friend that cares. Many a time, there are many people out there
who just decline to go out with friends al families, but rather just to
walk alone out to the streets or to a party, and be themselves??? We
call them weird.. we call then anti social... When we see our friend
sitting alone, we ask him to join, he refuse and we leave it... why
does he refuse??? We fail to realise that this person could really be
longing for someone to sit with him... Longing for someone to have a
conversation with him...
During this festive season, reach out to someone..Not just by word of
mouth, but by actions, thoughts and gestures... Because the people we
see on the surface is not what they really are inside... Many people
who are really in need will laugh with you, will smile with you, but do
we ever ask them when they are in need??? The person that laughs the
most hurts the most... but none of us ever bothers to find out why...
Many people do cerebrate the new year alone, yet they are surrounded
with friends... What they need is someone to wish them happy new year..
and mean it by deeds, gestures and thoughts
I read in the newspaper about someone that went crawling on the streets
to find a girlfriend... and put boxes of chocs on his backs... just to
raise awareness of people feeling lonely this festive season... For all
you couples out there.. appreciate who is with you now.. because there
are so many of us who long to have some1 to care for and to hug when
the clock strikes 12... There are so many of us that longs for a hand
to whole and tell them that we will love them even with the new year...
And there are many more of us that would look at u all with envy and
sometimes a sense of singularity and loneliness... So appreciate what
you have....
Finally in this really sad entry... Be a friend to whoever u know.. it
doesn't matter if they are closr to you or not... I send out smses to
everyone on my phone list on new year and christmas and to everyone
else that is relevent tocertain celebrations such as CNY, hari raya,
deepavali, or even to wish my friends good luck for any exams..
SOmetimes you never know, but such a msg could be their only one for
this festival... And if u do get a chance... Give them a call... A
reassuring voice always tells a person, no matter how lonely they are,
that there is someone out there who cares... Because loneliness is the
lack of care, not the lack of friends... Because a kind word, a kind
thought, a kind action combinedcan heal even the most wounded of
souls...
Give a hug to whoever you can reach out to... A hug in action nd in
words... and mean it.. Because the power of a hug is so great that it
can make people cry... I have never known this until YDC 13 in 2004...
I have always been a guy that would hold on to my grounds and never be
swayed by emotions... But a hug after the camp made be break down... It
did.. Itcan make somehow somehow feel wanted, against all odds.... That
is the power of a body to body contact that can never be replaced
SO... This New Year.. Be a friend emotionally and physically..It is a
time to share, not only gives, but words, emotions, feelings, love and
joy... Fill the hearts of those in need, not only their hands...
because they need love and care.. sometimes from that 1 particular
person.... but all humans require affection...
In a bar loud and noisy,
Dances a man,
Full of grace,
Full of flare
A man who laughs out loud,
A man who sings out loud,
yet he dissapears before it ends,
To where, nobody knows
Inside his heart,
Anarow pierce deep,
A wound so deep,
No medicine can heal,
No surgeon can stitch.
Only he knows the fury,
Only he knows the pain,
As people ask not,
He tells not.
In a dark corner he sits,
The walls he stairs with affection,
LOve, he gives with his eyes,
But walls art no mirror
Emptiness fills his heart,
As the emptiness he fills,
Only he shall know,
The curse of loneliness
Posted at 03:28 am by darknight
Permalink
Nov 9, 2005
Get to know myself better
Hey... its quite true u noe....
Your view on yourself:
Other people find you very interesting, but you are really hiding your true self. Your friends love you because you are a good listener. They'll probably still love you if you learn to be yourself with them.
The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.
Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.
The seriousness of your love:
You like to flirt and behave seductively. The opposite sex finds this very attractive, and that's why you'll always have admirers hanging off your arms. But how serious are you about choosing someone to be in a relationship with?
Your views on education
Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.
The right job for you:
You have plenty of dream jobs but have little chance of doing any of them if you don't focus on something in particular. You need to choose something and go for it to be happy and achieve success.
How do you view success:
You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career and nothing will stop you from trying.
What are you most afraid of:
You are afraid of things that you cannot control. Sometimes you show your anger to cover up how you feel.
Who is your true self:
You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.
Posted at 02:07 am by darknight
Permalink
Oct 15, 2005
i'm losing a life... or d lack of
oh shit... this doesn't sound good.... but i'm abt 2 loose my life... total time spent studying 2day was 15 hours... was in clinical skills unit 2day at 7.45am... when for lecture... went eat lunch at 11.30... started studying at 12... got chased out of library at 10 something pm coz they wanna close...3 of us la... luckily i'm not alone... i just got back n hav dinner... so basically abt 2 go bac 2 studying.. going back library 2mr at 9am... study until 4pm when it closes....
well... ayway.... a little bit of wat happened so far.... haha... ok.. I have an exam on wed.. and its covering microbiology, pathology, immunology...tough subjects... very tough...but wat to do.... hav to go through lo... but anyway... tats abt life la and choices we made... I believe in making right decisions... decisions that you will never regret later... right now.. i'm tired... but no regrets
basically d whole day today was spent talking abt relationships.. through lunch.. through dinner... through studying breaks... in the toilet... coz my friend is love sicking... haha.... but well... isn't tat d nice part abt it... falling in love and then trying to get someone... so yeah.. we reverted our topic to pass loves... pass relationships.. pass crushes... haha... n yeah... a small, short but meaningful walk down memory lane... and somewhere along the line i saw how much i've changed... how much life has changed me maybe... its so funny to realise that the choice of partner has changed.. errr.. not d sex of the partner but behavior and how to choose"....but basically.... they was something similar wif me and my friend... someone had an impact on us in a way that we remained single because at the end of the day somehow or other we compared ppl we meet wif tat person who made an impact on us.. so somehow, for me, subconsciously.. If i don't see that factor.. I wun approach...like wat we said as no affinity... no chemotaxis or chemotactic factors that can cause complimentary binding... no one has given me the reason to hav vasodilation and endotelial cell injury to come out of my cocoon to make contact.... because of the T-cell related B-lymphocyte factor or memory cell factor.. that memories stays and i inda seem 2 compare.... but anyway... tats just a synonym for some of you 2 understand better... since most ppl are so damn bz studying immuno rite now...
ok... tats aside.... now basically... i did a dance performance last wed... ok.. basically I was very very stiff... its well.. coz of lack of practice.. n a weird feeling la.... somewhere.... haha.... n matter of fact, coz of my exams... but basically... I was asked to dance coz apart from Jay and evelynn there was no1 else from pharmacy tat wanna dance... or so I was told.. so basically I did... n well... as u noe... I am stiff... n it was merengue I was dancing... so basically I didn't fumble... but not tat good.... my partner, jessie was abit the nervous quite ok... haha.... will put up photos on tat soon when I hav the time.... so... I will perform again next year... but this time will practice n train... I believe can be much much better... as u noe.. I always like to be the best in anything I do and will work hard 2 get it done.. so lets c next year... haha.... I will be back.... and in time for IMU BALL....
so well.... for those who really really wan an update on my love life... well.. I have found it already... in the library.... thats y u c me in library all the time... its...... MY BOOKS... haha... somehow.. it fills the gaps... among my close friends in uni now... almost all have gfs/bfs.. safe for 1... n he's abt 2 get it ready.. haha... so tat is me left... Well, as I have mentioned... I haven't actually found d specific antigen that is strong enough to activate my compliment system to be opsonized... so yeah... no inflammatory responds or histamine released by mast cells yet.. haha.... just making u all understand... but matter of fact is tat my memory cells are still activated... adaptive immune responce has not yet really worn off... its a spill over chronic inflammation... that the cells are still comparing antigens for that cross linking binding site... so finally... d conclusion is that... there's no reaction anywhere yet... and yes. i'm filling d gaps wif my darling... my books...
I guess.. thats abt it.. tired... gnitez ppl....
Some people might actually interprete the poem below differently.. but I actually wrote it because of the walk down memory lane and things it reminded me of.. This poem actually carries the meaning of a forced seperation... abt the last dance a couple had together.. and the feelings they went through, in a first persons P.O.V.... Sometimes, we just have to say goodbye to the people we love... for many reasons... This poem tells about memories.. abt feelings, and abt things we cannot avoid... In situations where both sides are unwilling to part... but has no choice... so well... appreciate it if u do.... if u can't just leave it....
LAST DANCE
up goes the band,
with cheering sounds,
in a silent corner we sit,
with hands held neat.
A beat they strike,
A beat our heart strikes,
The start we wait,
For the end we dread.
Hands held tight we walked,
down the line,
up the floor,
to start the end
With arms held firm,
with eyes of love and care,
two steps we take,
and a smile I give.
You flash a smile,
yet a tear I feel,
as you twill,
as you squill
The song we hear,
like yester years,
of time that pass,
with no repeat.
As you fall into my arms,
the band strikes its final note,
A symbol of dread,
A symbol of lost
eyes become wells,
hearts become stones,
but all that start will end,
and all that end must part
words shall have no facts,
as hands held we part,
to the east you go,
to the west I go
No tears shall wash my eye,
No medicine shall cure my pain,
but choice we have to make,
to take the step away
Yet memorise shall remain,
of the twills you made,
and the smill you gave,
in our last dance together.
Posted at 03:31 am by darknight
Permalink
Oct 8, 2005
seriously... u noe i hav better things to do.. but anyway... read if u wan..dun if u can
ok.. so basically... this is some crap on sook wai;s blog... though we all noe tat its all crap.. but we give her credit for spending her alertness in typing it... so as a form of credit.. i guess i will still continue d tag.... because somehow.... i dunno y its weird but yeah... quite interesting.... so here goes
START OF NONSENSE
7 things i plan to do before I die (in order of prevalence)
1. Grad and become a GOOD doctor... most importantly survive med skool
2. SPecialize in hopefully neuro surgery.... or if not at least any field tat mite interest me at tat point in life... but most improtantly survive my HO and MO
3. FInd the cure for chronic amnesia and paralysis due to thrombo embolitic stroke
4. HAVE SEX
5. Get a noble prize for medicine
6. Have kids.... you see.. at the end of the day... I wanna have someone to pay for my funeral expenses....
7. Go sky diving, scuba diving, or watever expreme sports tat mite come out and probably break some world records... then i'm cool
7 celebrity crushes ( tat was d original text.... but due to being Alvin, I can't seem to find any reason to fall for anybody who dances like a monkey or acts like an idiot on screen... I decided to change it to admire - and I define a celebrity as someone that is celebrated and is known by practically everyone... and if u give some name of some bugger tat I never heard of.. then no, he's not a celebrity because many people dun noe him) ( no order of prevalence)
1. Adolf Hitler.... I like d guys guts... n I noe he has only 1 ball but... he has d guts to do wat he did....
2. Tun Dr. Mahathir.... again for his guts.... I like d fact tat he actually called that bugger... wats his name.. ah, yes Anwar a sodomiser... screw the fact tat he is or not... so yeah... Mahathir... hold your stand.. don't appologize... I strongly believe that you were a fantastic leader who dared to do things no one else dared
3. Dr. K Sri Dhammananda... Chief Reverend of Malaysia and SIngapore... his strenght man.... so many years and still going strong...
4. George W. Bush.... Good defends man.... hold on to d nonsense u believe in.. although I note tat everything u said was nonsense but u did a very good job convincing yourself about d bullshit... so must admire u for tat
5. Saddam Hussein... Man... u hav balls.... defending his homeland and country to the very last battle... deserves commendation for all the shit u did... its brave though I think u r a shit of a man.... but i like d fact tat u stayed firm to your country
6. The Buddha..... for obvious reasons.... This dude is the bomb man.... apart from the fact that I'm a very very strong buddhist.... I dun pray to him coz he's dead and gone... but the very fact that the stuff he left us changed the way most of us are... the truth he found....
7. Finally.... I'm sure everybody knows me... so... why not????
7 often spoken words ( this is quite easy) - ( no order of prevalence)
1. screw it la (whenever I find something unimportant)
2. What the crap ( spntaneous responds to a joke or something rediculous)
3. true true true ( agree on something)
4. wrong hole ( in debate... tats y my partner calls me anal canal)
5. Mr speaker ( again in debate.... I use it almost twice every sentence)
6. sounds at night ( anything to do with gays... when debating a motion)
7. Oh shit man (to something terrible)
7 physical traits I look for in the opposite sex (crap... I dun wan every other gurl to perasan... and yeah... gurls... if you have any fantastic traits... please post me a msg.. dun get dissapointed if its not here... i can still consider u - and yes.. I define traits as characteristics that are formed by proteins coded by a complete sequence of bases on the DNA template... So as long as they are able to be coded... and passed on... its a trait)
1. long hair.... I dunno y.. I only go for girls wth relatively long hair
2. not shorter than my sholder... not taller than my eye.... relative.... but yeah... tats d point
3. Researchers have said nowadays that the people's preference of certain items when shopping could be genetic... SO I go for girls tat dun shop much... basically.. I dun mind following them out shopping but practically nt too much
4. The risk factor of cancer in children due to vertical transmission is increased if the mother/father smokes or is a pasive smoker... so basically its also a trait.... so as a matter of fact.. I don't wanna have a daughter/son wif a dominant gene that increases the risks of cancer... so I dun wanna hav a gf that smokes or any of their parents/siblings smokes
5. You see... due to the very fact that bone density and lipid and fatty tissues are genetic.... so basically I prefer girls who have the co-dominant supressor genes for lipid accumulation... so basically that means in cride terms.. of medium built.... of course not a broomstick also la.. thats y co dominant...
6. The very fact that I prefer taller girls somehow or other says that I also look at legs... because somehow or other I prefer girls which have nice legs.. god knows wy.. its just a trait of mine that prefers that.. mainly due to the co domination of the fact that I prefer girls abit tall... not short....
7. Finally... the eyes.. they are the window to the psychological conditions.. This is very difficult to explain.. but genetically.... whether the person is actually fierce, kind, gentle, good or very outgoing... its all written in the eyes... SO tehrefore... the eyes is the main projection of the face.... BASICALLY I prefer a projection that tells me she is those innocent and kind type.. not too overly shy but not outgoing.... coz I seriously dislike girls who have the friday night habit.... SO the eyes betray all....
and no.... breasts and ass is not something I would ever look out for... only when i'm studying anatomy do I look at tat
7 people I would tag ( If u realise, I actually do not really wanna get people into the hassle of writting this stupid thing.. so I'll tag people I think would never come here)
1. Ching Yee ( the very fact that I went out wif her today
2. Nee Yi ( somehow.... dunno y)
3. Yau Kuan (wanna c d kayu respond)
4. SIppie (did US change you)
5. Kathleen Cheok (coz u will never come ere)
6. June CHan (just wanna kenakan you)
7. Debra Chew (just to waste your time.....
END OF NONSENSE
Posted at 09:42 pm by darknight
Permalink
Sep 14, 2005
just completed a very very bz day and abt to call it quits for the day... although i hav 2 lecture notes yet to be read, pbl to be done, which I haven't even started yet and an elective report worth 200 words which haven't been started yet....But anyway.. i'm just too tired to go on... haiah
So what happened today... as usual, I had 2 hours 15 minutes of lecture.. of which i slept most of the way... and then I rushed back all the way to subang to fetch june for lunch so we could discuss on emcee stuff for lantern festival this saturday, of which I haven't even done my script yet... Then i rushed back to IMU to practice darts for IMU CUP competition.... later i met a friend of mine which was having probs and gav her a counselling session after helping her find her purse.... and then i went 2 d gym for abt an hour before going for debate training which lasted like 4 hours.... And then i bought a burger and headed home for dinner.. which was at midnight... so much for a dinner.. I think i'll call it supper...
So well... yeah... that was my day... And I realised something... Ramly burger's do taste good... but unfortunately I never had time to actually taste them... U c I only ate it twice because before this, I never even bothered to stop by a roadstall to buy anything coz i find it a waste of time... So the only 2 times I ever tried it was because i'm starving and well I ate while driving so it was just 2 fill my stomach... But today I actually managed to eat it at a traffic light... yeap.. traffic light, and thats an adantage.... and one thing tat i realised was tat these are actually the small pleasures in life tat well, i mite be missing out because I really have got no time for anything else... its temple, ECA, studies, exam, sports... hardly even time to rest... I used to say tat I would have plenty of time to rest when I'm dead, but well.. after talking to my friend just now abt her probs, I realise the need to actually stop and litterary listen to the sound of the pouring rain, which most of us seldom do...
I just read jazzy... errr i mean jazzreen's multiply though jazzy sounds better.. hehe..., and yeah.. some things she posted refreshed my memories on things i posted way back ago.... way back to the time where I actually had time to post anything....and yeah... friends are an integral part of our life... I had this period of time in my life when I just started uni tat i actually had no friends... litterary 0.... something.. I dun wanna say wat.. Just after orientation and my orientation group mates took it tat I left them and I took it tat they left me.... so it just happened....n well.. being me, I just decided.. who needs friends, but then i found out tat it sux to hav lunch alone, to hav dinner alone, to sit alone in lectures... and most importantly to spend your birthday having lunch alone and actually trying to find ppl to hav lunch wif you on your birthday... funny??? well... went through tat... and i somehow related to wat my friend said to me this afternoon on tat matter... and some stuff posted on jazzy's multiply... during tat time frame, my studies suck too, and basically morale was damn low.... but well... tat picked up later on and yeah, now i'm back to normal.. and everything else is picking up and falling into place....
Well, as with my other inputs, there's always a touch of love... oso brought up from jazzy's multiply.. so dun blame me ok... hehe.... so, basically its about why some ppl are who they are, in the sense of pervertism or lets say corocodile in just talking or hooking up to ppl of the opposite sex... more precisely male to female.... but yeah... for most of us, its actually phobia.. love is something tat is difficult to say or describe.. you know, when u r going after somebody, u would say u like tat person.. but y not love??? I find tat weird... I'm proud 2 say i dun like or am in love ith anybody at this current moment.....Because love is not skin deep.. its the person's personality which catches your eye, and at this stage in time, to most peple our age, we are looking for long term relationship... someone of whom you can depend on for emotional and physical support and not someone who depends time, money and support from you... I find tat very superficial tat couples hav to see each other everyday 2sustain tat love factor.. love is a feeling towards the person, not something u can stop by closing or opening your eyes... Its abt mutual care, Something as simple as asking tat person to attend lectures and not 2 miss it mite sound controlling to some partners, but i feel tat as an act of love and care you have to tat other person... tat you are not only couples in play, but also in thick and thin, tat you want your partner to succeed as well... I have seen bfs who actually advice their gfs not 2 go home or not 2 go 4 lectures so tat they can b 2gether.... and some gfs who do tat 2.... tats one reason y some of us actually just prefer 2 "buaya" ard rather than 2 start a relationship... In fear tat it mite jeopardise other aspects of life which is more important, i.e. education.... But love is something tat is so subjective att everybody will give you a different answer... But for me, love is still mutual care, something tat must be built over time and not rushed in, because then, its only infatuation, and its skin deep....
Another thing tat came into my mind was on why i'm still single... haha... weird question... its a hypothetical question using me as a basis... but some ppl r also like tat.... Some ppl said its coz we can't find someone... or not trying hard enough or not using right technique.... The truth for me is simple... fear... sometimes when u r hurt so many times before through rejections, unwatd scenarios, love triangle and unsuccessfull relationships, u just fear tat u would get hurt again.... a fear tat prevents u from even falling in love wif someone... tats quite a bad scenario tat most people tot would never happen, "old dun go, new can't come"... true, but this phobia is not something tat can be easily cured... I could hav actually gotten a gf 2 times already within the last 3 years... but choose not 2.... and everytime i actuallyh get very close with someone and i start receiving signs, i back off.... its just tat i dun wanna fall into a possible trap.... and its not me but amny ppl hav actually faced this problems before and managed to solve it by starting a relationship wif a girl who actually went for them... I dunno if tats a good move, but i'm just not willing to experiment.... rather stay this way for god knows how long and, yeah, hopefully this phobia goes away ASAP.... haha... need 2 survive 2... At the current moment, just like my other 4 friends, lets just go on buaya-ing.... and just make friends.... I dun like to be in this situation... but i just can't help it......cbad scneario 2 b in.. but yeah.. doesn't really affect my life rwally really much, except for the fact tat i'm still single when i shouldn't be... hmmmm.....
anyway... tats the end of my blog for 2day as its getting late... good morning
There are times in life,
where yesterday past too soon,
that you never knew it came,
did you stop to look?
There are times in life,
where the song finished too soon,
that you never heard its chorus
did you stop to listen?
There are times in life,
where you just let go too fast,
that you never knew you held it,
did you stop to ponder?
There are times in life,
where the show ended too soon,
That you never saw the climax,
did you ever stop to watch?
There are times in life,
where you knew would never repeat,
but you knew you never wanted it to end,
did you ever stop it?
The song plays its tunes,
but we keep on walking,
keep on running,
never pausing a step,
never pausing a beat,
until its is over
We tried so hard to find,
the pieces we ourselves hide,
yet we never knew,
the real tune to the song,
we so dearly want to hear,
we so badly want to dance
why?
we seek for love,
we despise hate,
yet we repell love,
we appeal hate,
is this the cause to run?
What more can we offer,
when we ourselvs don't know,
don't know why we do not stop,
why we run.
We move in circles,
only to find we are back to one,
with nothing on our hands,
but dirt and blood,
but all we left behind,
was love and dance
Posted at 03:16 am by darknight
Permalink
Aug 15, 2005
i refer t some posts that some irresponsible people post.. It might seem funny that you post such an insult to your on countryand state's anthem... How can anyone wif any donkey brains left in them do such an act of insult to your state and your own country... No respect to your own king and country
This is no joke... The words and name of the phrases you use are praises for the king and country but have been used to dispise the country in such manner... DOn't you feel ashame of yourself??? no self respect and respect for the country and king at all
Imagine what impression you give to ppl from outside the country who sees this post.. A total disgrace that is willing to sell the country off in this manner....
I'm totally dissapointed and indinified to be associated wif such ppl on my list of contactts....
SHAME ON YOU!!!!!!
Posted at 02:55 pm by darknight
Permalink
Aug 14, 2005
hav been having some major things up my sleeves lately that actually question my capability of handling this??? am i breaking up or losing focus.. or am i trying to focus on too many things at once..??? Maybe no one can answer that question, not even me.... well.. u mite ask why am i asking myself this... lemme explain my scenario..... Am organizing chairman of the SJBA YS fellowship trip to port dickson on 20th-21st august, i'm games captain for imu cup for a game which i hav never played in my life, darts and carrom, i'm hoping to debate in the national health scieces debate and amfor progams coordinator for the debate as well, and i'm doing horse riding for my elective... all of this is running on its own and hav their own probs to handle, of which i'm trying to juggle and balance.... its worst than a balancing act... because everything demands time and decisions, some drastic, some easy, some tough, and some are insignificant.... But most importantly, all of it demands responsibility and energy....
sometimes i just feel tat mayb i should take d easy way out n 4get abt it.... butits just now me... not my nature to stay quiet.. haha.. like a friend suggested, maybe i need someone to keep me at bay.... but well, lets just say tat i'm born this way....
Lately, some problems seem to arise... somethings that arise make it seem that somethings were not meant to be.. and i wonder y is it so.... the pd trip is wat i meant..... 7th month (hungry ghost festival), tsunami, haze, postponements and depostponements, lack of participants, all these could either be that something good will happen, and its a challenge to c if ww would really doit, or it could also mean tat a disaster is bound to happen... all we can do is hope for the best.... most, if not all my friends i asked to go turned me down, is it something about me or is it that whenever i organize something my friends tend to turn their backs toward it, like pulling out, giving excuses and stuff.... even last time, when i asked for help, nomany turned up and of those who did, some were forced.... is it tat because they know me they don't trust my organizational abilities??? but i hav proven myself time and again haven't I??? or so i think.. maybe not.... or did i choose my friends wrongly, and ended up in a group of ppl that would not render me their support when i need it... i guess my expectations of friends ae abit high, because i try to give my support to anything any of my friends ask me too, even when i'm dead pack, or dead tired, i still do, unless i hav no choice.... but well, i guess tats just expectations that mite be hard for them to live up to....
well, on another note, and also on the pd rip, had to make a drastic decision just 2 days ago.... actually two... in view of the haze, i had to make a decision to postpone the trip due to rising concerns on the state of emergency.. teh decision was made on thursday, at the height of the haze.... 1 of my committee members disagreed, but i had no choice because of various reasons... however, on fri, the situation turned bettter and i was requested to cancel the postponement order, as no participants were informed... these were the toughest decision i had to make regarding this trip.... however, i ahd to make a decision, against the request oif some other committee members, tat is to cancel the postonemet and go on wif it.. despite participant shortage, hungry ghost, tsunami and haze, we will go on.. and this time it holds water.... mayb i made a wrong call too early before that.... and although i hate to admit this, but these decisions may be a test of tolerance on everyone's part.... and i trully appologize for my hastiness, but i felt tat tat move was necesarry given the scenario, situation and current events... well, difficult decisions still have to be made, and how right or wrong the decision is, can only be told in the future, maybe i hav not enough experience to deal wif decisions regarding nature
sometimes, when i c ppls nick tat their life sucks, or that they need a break from life, i always like to ask why??? especially when ppl mention that they need a break... wat is a break.. i'm on hols now.... haha.... life is a continuous episode, there are no commercial breaks, toilet breaks, or rests... u need to go on... most of the time i get answers from them tat its regarding love life, parents, studies, friends.... for crying out loud... the only reason u r fretting is U...U..U... and only you... isn't that selfish... just because YOU are affected u fret, what about when u hav to deal with ppl's problems, nature's problems, committee's problems, organizational problems... where decisions you make don't only affect you but other as well.. not 4 or 5 but as many as 40 or 50 to more than a few thousand.... tats wat i'm in.. and i'm not mentioning tat i need a break.... so get alive and stay that way... i hav been working nonstop since i was in f3 until now... 4 years.... and i learn to enjoy what i'm doin..... i can't take a break because ppl want me ard.. n i stay ard.... when we grad as docs, it'll be tat way as well... ppl's live is in our hands.... wat brak can we take.... realise tat.... for all of you tat complain about live sucks, about needing a break, about missing ppl n stuff, its only you tat is affected, learn to be vary of more ppl and u would realsie that u yourself is not so important anymore, or more should i say, insignificant....
On a more interesting note... i'm doing horse riding.. hehe.. my university elective.. doing in mont' kiara... its damn cool... seriously.. but tiring and painful... its not as easy as it seems, coz u actually gotta use alot of energy.... u gotta actually stand up on d stirrup and sit down depending on d horse's trotting... then noe how 2 balance... coz i dun hav boots and glove, i got some bruises coz of d rubbing against the sadle... but well, new experience and its quite cool oso....
on a more subtle note, last nite i was talking to a friend, and she was tlling how she and the bf broke up, because h blocked her in msn, din talk to her or reply her sms n stuff.... for no reason... so i tot to myself... ppl who get things they wan wifout working hard for it do it appreciate it.. seriously.... fo ppl like me, its so difficult to get a gf tat if i do get one i'l really treasure it.. for ppl like tat guy,it comes and goes so fast tat it becomes just part of his life, insignificant.... why don't ppl appreciate relationships... and not just take it as a part of life tat depend on feelings.. making emotional judgements of liking someone based on just one or two prospects and then later deciding tat feelings hav gone... wats the use of that relationshp??? or ppl wh view the opposite sex as just an object... and the poor gurl is still thinking about him... if i was him, i would hav treated her better... much better.... maybe because he has had so many tat it became insignificant for him... numb to it... but for me, i see the uniqueness in every relationship and appreciate everyone differently....
haiah.. well... tats about it.. i'll post another one soon.. don't worry
The eagle spreads it wings,
a journey it takes,
with a flap of it goes,
not knowing where to reach
it flies with no thought,
it flies with no worries,
swirling through the skies.
each cloud an obstacle,
it passes with grace,
with each pass it soars,
with each pass it nods
time flies,
just as the eagle flies,
just as the day turn into night,
just as power turns into pain
fatigue intrigues,
just as the eagle spreads low,
a light it sees,
a light of hope
a light to guide,
a light to protect,
to the light it flies
as minutes turn into hours,
as hours turn into days,
the light it reaches not,
only to find food on the way,
only to find passion on its way
the light,
it knows no one,
it helps no one,
yet it helps all
it gives hope and grace,
yet it provides fatigue and exhaustion
the eagle,
a guide i saw,
the light it tried to reach,
yet none he got,
only experience and strenght,
only food and passion,
yet a destination he reached,
a land of bliss
Posted at 03:13 am by darknight
Permalink
Jul 6, 2005
getting 2 my heart??? haha.. who would...
The Keys to Your Heart |
| You are attracted to those who have a split personality - cold as ice on the outside but hot as fire in the heart. |
| In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored. |
| You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change. |
| You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic. |
| Your ideal relationship is comforting. You crave a relationship where you always feel warmth and love. |
| Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. |
| You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred. |
| In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily. |
Posted at 03:06 am by darknight
Permalink
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 darknightmy friends... name's Alvin or Wai keng... u can call me WK, Alvin, Lum, double OK or watever u like... doesn't matter.... neway... I guess if u r ere means u noe me... then i dunneed 2 discribe myself... mayb a little... i'm a kinda serious guy... who just likes 2 listen 2 ppls probs... tryin 2 help... ok... anyway... i'm a normal 19 year old guy.... who finished secondary skool in smk usj 4 2 years ago.. went on to do my south australian matriculation in taylor's college.... n now doing medicine on international MADical university.... so tats basically abt me.. n oh yeah.. my birthday's on 18th april 1986... in case u really wanna get me a present... but tats ok... not really necesarry... but if really wan to.... y not.rite???
a path we make, to guide us, to lead us darkness falls abundance, lights, oh so little guidance we seek, from those not so weak When sights go blind, when sounds go mute, when taste go blaine, when touch goes numb, when smell goes dull, I'll still be there For love , No reason I ask, No reason I give, Looks I look not, Smell I smell not, tastes I taste not, Touch I touch not, Hear I hear not, Love I give all To friends I share, Passion, love and care from heart to heart from mind to mind matter not thou season matter not thou weather matter not thou time As this moment, shall I give to thee My friends' blogs my darling ching yee's blogSook Wai's blog Ellie's blogMichelle Khaw's blogZach's blogpriya's blogSabrina's blog
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